“for i am forever changing”

June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 August 2014 May 2015

Maybe I'm being a little naive here
but I really just can't wait to go to University
and start the next chapter of my life.

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Hmm,
I have to say,
today has been a thoroughly horrible one.

Though, I know there are better days to come!
Just most likely not that soon.

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I don't like to spend money.
That's common knowledge: I basically parade around declaring how I don't have any money and how much I need a job.
All my clothes are basically under $25.
I buy cheap stuff for myself and I get so excited when there is a sale. And still sometimes at the discounted price, I can't bring myself to spend the money.

Do I really need that sweater? Yes
But can I even afford it? Yes
...Do I want to spend the money? Not at all

However,
like not to ring my own bell or whatever,
but I'm somehow not at all stingy when it comes to other people.
Actually, I don't know if anyone actually notices, but I'm usually always offering money to people (to be clear - I don't do it for recognition or "people to notice" ahahahhaha).

I will donate to charities and other causes.. and to people that just don't have money at the moment. Haha.
I mean, what else am I going to do with all that saved up money?

The point of this post: People need to learn the meaning of generosity.

I understand though... there\s that feeling you get when you spend a lot of money... I get that a lot, of course. I don't usually buy myself expensive things.

Only...
It's nice to be generous to yourself...
but if you can afford to buy such an expensive (um) gloves (...) for yourself, can't you buy one lunch for that friend who forgot theirs at home?
If you can afford to purchase those designer (um) socks (...) for yourself, can't you spare a little change for that school in Sierra Leone?
If you can afford the millions of (um) hats (...) that you have in your closet, is it really so much to ask that you chip in to buy a nice gift for your friend on their birthday?

If you can afford such an expensive meal, if you can afford to lead such an affluent lifestyle,
how can you possibly say that you "do not have the money" to do this or that or whatever it is that will not benefit you but perhaps someone else?

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Je t'aimerais me vouloir
La façon dont je te veux
La façon dont il devrait être ~

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Je t'aurais donné tous de mon coeur
mais il y a quelqu'un qui l'a déchiré
et qu'elle a simplement pris tout ce que j'ai
mais si tu veux que je vienne d'essayer d'aimer à nouveau
je vais essayer d'aimer à nouveau, mais je sais

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when you don't have anything to be proud of yourself for;
when there's nothing particularly outstanding about you;
when there's nothing especially special about you;
and when really, there's nothing you want more.

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I think most people have finally noticed that my Facebook is gone.
And of course, the question that follows is: "Why?"

Now everyone seems to have jumped to conclusions and, satisfied with their own answers, have lost interest in actually listening to mine.
Though, admittedly, I wouldn't know how to explain, if asked.

I'm sure it came as a surprise to many people, the disappearance of my Facebook. I mean... I'm such a Facebook freak (ahahahaha). I spent so much time on Facebook...

I know this sounds really retarded [insert word equivalent to naive + weird] but Facebook reveals a lot about who we are: how we present ourselves to people we can't see. I guess I was just getting too caught up in all that.

I don't know how many people noticed, but in the days leading up to the Deactivation [so epic], I changed a lot about my Facebook. And each change that I made was preceded by a horrible mood.

I first changed my profile picture to one of my cousin and me, from a while back.
This was [um] a relatively major [um] change for me... [um x3]. Actually, since I wouldn't change my profile picture that often, every time I changed it, technically, was a big deal [LOL Facebook obsessed]. But particularly this one, because the "image" I was trying to portray was different this time. All the other pictures (or most anyway) I was trying to look pretty [um x4], obviously. I was trying to let everyone see how pretty I could make myself.
I thought about this... and I decided that this wasn't the sort of image I wanted.
Maybe I didn't want to seem pretty anymore. Where did the joy of seeming pretty to everyone else ever even come from.

About a week later, I think, I restricted everything that I could on my profile. I turned everything "private". Still, though, there were things that I wasn't satisfied with. So I deactivated my entire Facebook account. The whole thing was kind of spontaneous, actually [>:D]

I just wanted to get away from it all. Knowing so much about everybody else... how does that help me? Obsessing over other people's lives and being envious really did nothing for me.

What happens on Facebook is no longer a factor to my happiness.

Without Facebook,
I can no longer compare myself to other people;
I can no longer feel inferior to other people;

I can no longer see things that I do not want to see.

See, the problem really wasn't Facebook.
It was only me.

I don't have Facebook;
and nothing's changed.

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