“for i am forever changing”

June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 August 2014 May 2015

There is a feeling I get, the strangest feeling,
sometimes

I might step into a library and it'll hit me
as I marvel at the millions of pages, the billion different patterns of words, boundless creativity and knowledge hidden within the shelves.

Last night, I considered the collection of books I had resting on the side of the bed I don't use. What lies  beneath their covers? These authors have awed so many before me, those more worldly and more critical than me. I am expecting a lot.
Excitement cracks in the air.

It's the feeling I get when I get to a breakthrough in an essay or another piece of writing. When I stand back and admire my work.
I've nicknamed it "a breath of fresh air".
Because it feels like just that.

It's uplifting, this feeling, uplifting and stirring.
Inspirational
It fills me up and then it overflows

I think this is called
Passion.

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My driving test is tomorrow. This will officially be my 3rd G2 examination haha. Good job, Elizabeth, good job.

Before I started my third round of driving lessons, I was absolutely convinced of my own driving abilities. In my eyes, I made no mistakes. This must sound silly, seeing as I've just mentioned how I've failed twice already. But I believed, and still do, that my mistakes were chance mistakes - bad luck mistakes. So I do feel I should have been able to pass last year. But anyway, what I was indeed wrong about was my perfection in everyday driving. I've realized and learned that I still do make mistakes, and not just chance mistakes either. After this third round of lessons, I think I've really been humbled.

As a result of this happy realization, I've been really really nervous these past few days, or weeks really,    for my upcoming road test. I can't help thinking and worrying that I'll make another stupid mistake, or I'll bump into the curb, or parallel park too far away from the curb. And I'll fail for the third time.

But I won't worry any longer.

At the piano, it struck me suddenly: What does it matter if I fail?
Well ok yeah I'd be pretty upset. And I'll have lost a lot of money and whatever.
But my God loves me and supports me. Jesus Christ died for me.
What does it matter if I fail?

There is a verse I found: Philippians 4:6-7:

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Thank you, Paul, for your wisdom.

And thank You, God, for Your boundless love.

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I'm changing and changing and changing
I'm growing.

It's a bit of a relief, I feel, to be more in command of myself
to know what's going on
and to understand. To finally have some sort of reasonable answer.

I look forward to next year.

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I want a camera. But I don't really need one. When would I ever use it?
But I want to have fancy instagram photos. Not that I find many things to instagram.

To express what you really want to do, I think, is really difficult. Always afraid of losing face if you don't somehow get it. Everyone is there to witness your failure to launch.
You couldn't do it because you're not quite as talented as you thought. 
Nobody says it.

And then, what if you're not successful? What if it turns out you're just "mediocre"?
You didn't get anywhere because you're not quite as talented as you thought.

You're not quite as talented as you thought,
I think, is stopping

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Midnight snacking #yolo 

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