“for i am forever changing”

June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 August 2014 May 2015

The future
I think we try not to think about it.
What am I doing in school? What am I studying for?
I think we all have dreams,
which right now are quite unrealistic.

There's that fear of not finding a job. Living at home forever because you can't afford to live on your own.

Today, I went grocery shopping in Kensington Market. I bought apples, a bag of bok choi - in seriousness - the essentials. I noticed large plastic boxes of strawberries right next to me at my spot in line. They smelled delicious, those bright, red strawberries, and so sweet. I looked at the price - $3.50 - and hesitatingly picked up a box to inspect it. Up close they were every bit as tempting as from an arms length. They were perfectly ripe. I'll buy a box..! ... but I'd already spent so much money this week. Strawberries are a luxury I cannot afford. Huh. Bye bye darling box of strawberries.
It was a new feeling, this was.

Or, perhaps, not being qualified for a job that you really want. That's the fear I have. I have to start now, to build my network and experience and whatever else I need.

But I try not to think about it.

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Every little thing that goes wrong
or not as planned
Every little inconvenience
Slams into me and explodes in my face

Or more correctly, I explode when everybody else's face is turned away.
I find myself clenching my fists and throwing extreme fits in my imagination. In reality, I am twitching.

My fuse is sadly fragile these days.

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First week of second year done! How do I feel? Pretty much the same as I have all week: Super stressed and close to tears. That's not to say a few lot haven't spilled already.

I didn't anticipate this. I thought that perhaps I'd feel homesick again this year, like I did awfully last year. Praise God that didn't happen, though, because homesickness is quite possibly one of the worst afflictions I've ever had to endure. Not to be dramatic or anything. Anyway, I didn't anticipate feeling stressed at all.

It's living off campus that's really done it. Cooking and purchasing groceries, and allotting time for it... I feel like there's no time, not enough time. And then the money! Now when I purchase things, I'm paying for everything myself. I'm not about to go broke anytime soon, but I guess I've just never had to consistently spend money like I am now. When I lived at home, I spent money for little things, like a Starbucks or a cute, new sweater. And even those I didn't purchase often. My meals and everything else were covered. Now, buying groceries and kitchen supplies, cleaning supplies, home stuff.. Every necessary living expense I pay for, besides rent. And I'm just not used to spending so much so consistently. I feel bad buying a coffee now, and I feel guilty eating out. I can no longer bring myself to buy things I don't absolutely need.

In reality, I have enough money and I know that. Perhaps I just don't want to see my bank account go under a certain number because it hasn't been there in a while. My father asked me today if I'd like him to transfer money into my account from my RESPs, set aside for living expenses. But I feel like that's not going to help, getting more money. It's the spending that's killing me.

Living alone, I (once again) realize how sheltered I have been.
This is life, Welcome.

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Being a frosh leader is something I knew I'd do from the start. It fits my personality. I anticipated a satisfaction at the end of the week at being able to welcome new froshies.
I suppose I underestimated how much I would love it or how much this week would mean to me.

I feel brilliant and so amazing.
This week has been brilliant and amazing.
It was like a huge week-long party.
It was a huge week-long party.

I love people, I think. And it was so refreshing to immerse myself in a time and environment where everybody talked to everybody. There were no social barriers or fear of awkwardness.
Can you feel the love?

The music and the beats
the thumps
still remain dancing on the part of my heart that lingers at this moment with the first week of September.

The sun was beautiful
the leaves were beautiful
The smiles, the laughter, the general feeling of happiness
Beautiful

The breeze
I still feel it.
Singing with the leaves to announce yourself,
You were always welcome.

I am averse to clichés, but truly, this week I've had the time of my life.

I never want to leave

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