“for i am forever changing”
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solar powered
Thursday, March 13, 2014 || 12:46 PM
I love bright sunny days
and being outside during.
It's one of the things I love best.
Since I live in a basement, I don't really get light. I don't know whether it's sunny or gloomy or ordinary that day. When I open the door and the sun shines down on me, the sky is clear and blue, I feel as if I'm being fed and healed and revived.
I feel regret at not going out earlier in the day.
A happy regret.
Today, I woke up late. As Laura, my roommate, opens the door to leave, she exclaims, "It's such a nice day outside! It's so sunny!"
I'm not yet ready to leave home yet though. I'm feeling slow today. Not a sad slow or anything, just slow. It's like a lazy day.
The call and the lure of a beautiful day is strong. I don't want to miss out on a beautiful day.
I get nothing of that inside.
The weather app on my phone said it'd be cloudy.
As I'm making myself some tea, I notice that it's awfully warm in our apartment. I decide to open the tiny window above the kitchen counter. Now, I thought I should clarify, this window does basically nothing in terms of light -- it's tiny and looks out to the wall of the neighbouring house. But open it I do, for the fresh air.
And it feels so nice.
The cool breeze drifting in, awakening me.
And I want to go outside.
But
not really. I'm not yet ready to do anything. I want to stay in the comfort of my own home and sort of meander about, eating and studying as I choose.
I don't want to miss out.
And then I think
I have the rest of my life. There will be so many more beautiful, revitalizing, sunny sunny days.
I have so many years ahead of me.
I'm not missing anything
because I'll have it tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014 || 12:53 PM
Before coming to University, or even before second year, I think, I'd been really proud of the marks I received in school. I took it for granted that there were always going to be "dumber" people than I and that I would just always be above average relative to my class. I didn't think I was especially smart, but perhaps I was a little more hard-working (and I guess I thought I might be a little bit brighter) in general than other students.
I looked to my grades in school for prestige and they made me feel good about myself.
Earlier this week I was checking my marks on Portal, admittedly just to look again at a gratifying number from one course. And then I checked my other courses. With a shock, I realized that on all my assignments for Phonology, I'd been getting consistently below average.
I was a little amused, to be honest.
Then I forgot about it.
Yesterday, I got my midterm back for the same course. It was the quite possibly (definitely) the lowest mark I'd ever received on an exam. On any test, actually. I didn't want to look at it anymore... because I was afraid that other people beside me would see it. How embarrassing.
As the prof briefly went through the test, I could hear my friend on the left muttering to herself, "stupid... so stupid, really stupid," in a really discouraged tone. I glanced to my right and my friend there wore a similarly disappointed and disheartened expression.
I hated seeing that mark on my exam. Obviously.
But... I was not inflicted with the self-depreciating thoughts everyone surrounding me seemed to be feeling.
Actually, I found that I honestly didn't care all that much - which is pretty much the same way I felt each time I received my below-average, mediocre assignments back.
I realize now
that I have long ceased to let my marks define me. Because bad marks do not make me feel "stupid.. stupid.. stupid.."
I'm confident in the fact that I am not stupid. I know myself well enough to know that these numbers are not a reflection of my intelligence.
Getting a really good mark still makes me happy and it makes me proud.
But a bad mark, or an average mark, no longer fazes me.
I'm really happy about this!
I can do all things in Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
