“for i am forever changing”
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Tuesday, March 4, 2014 || 12:53 PM
Before coming to University, or even before second year, I think, I'd been really proud of the marks I received in school. I took it for granted that there were always going to be "dumber" people than I and that I would just always be above average relative to my class. I didn't think I was especially smart, but perhaps I was a little more hard-working (and I guess I thought I might be a little bit brighter) in general than other students.
I looked to my grades in school for prestige and they made me feel good about myself.
Earlier this week I was checking my marks on Portal, admittedly just to look again at a gratifying number from one course. And then I checked my other courses. With a shock, I realized that on all my assignments for Phonology, I'd been getting consistently below average.
I was a little amused, to be honest.
Then I forgot about it.
Yesterday, I got my midterm back for the same course. It was the quite possibly (definitely) the lowest mark I'd ever received on an exam. On any test, actually. I didn't want to look at it anymore... because I was afraid that other people beside me would see it. How embarrassing.
As the prof briefly went through the test, I could hear my friend on the left muttering to herself, "stupid... so stupid, really stupid," in a really discouraged tone. I glanced to my right and my friend there wore a similarly disappointed and disheartened expression.
I hated seeing that mark on my exam. Obviously.
But... I was not inflicted with the self-depreciating thoughts everyone surrounding me seemed to be feeling.
Actually, I found that I honestly didn't care all that much - which is pretty much the same way I felt each time I received my below-average, mediocre assignments back.
I realize now
that I have long ceased to let my marks define me. Because bad marks do not make me feel "stupid.. stupid.. stupid.."
I'm confident in the fact that I am not stupid. I know myself well enough to know that these numbers are not a reflection of my intelligence.
Getting a really good mark still makes me happy and it makes me proud.
But a bad mark, or an average mark, no longer fazes me.
I'm really happy about this!
I can do all things in Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
