“for i am forever changing”

June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 August 2014 May 2015

What have I lost?
Somehow, it hasn't really hit me yet.
Maybe I am alright, maybe it wasn't such a big loss.

Oh, but it was!

So why aren't I very unhappy? Why aren't I disappointed?
I would think... I am, somewhat. I should be.
Maybe it has passed? The time for mourning has passed?

I don't know. Maybe it's just that I am not regretting.
I am not regretting.

I have still lost my dream. I have thrown it away.
I have sacrificed my dream?

My life has changed its course entirely, in a way that I never could have predicted.

I have lost, I have lost so much, I recognize this. How much? What experiences have I let slip away from me? What life would I live had I decided differently?
So close I was!
There's really no going back now.

But I am not regretting
right now.

Life is full of chances!
Full of chances!
And yet, I can never hope to have one like this again.

There is still somewhat a sense of disappointment - that is undeniable.

Though losing something like this, I am trusting that I will gain something more.
I trust that I will gain something more.

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I don't mean to ring my own bell,
but reading the third body point in my essay outline for English
is like drawing a breath of fresh air every single time

eheheh.

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In the same way that I love to look at the cute things couples post on Facebook, with the same green eye, I've found myself looking at the cute things siblings post on Facebook.

Now don't ask me, why Facebook. Facebook is just THERE and I see things there, that's all. Sometimes I come across these things randomly (and then afterwards I stalk follow these relations just like an obsessed teenage girl). 


It's very likely that if you're my friend and you have a sibling, I'll have asked you, "Are you close with your brother/sister?"
(And chances are that if I haven't asked you, I already know the answer.)
Even the cutiepies children at church, I love asking, "Do you love your brother/sister?" albeit more teasingly.

And I love hearing "yes".
There's just something so heart-warming about seeing love like that.
Not even necessarily "cute" things. Just normal things haha like normal, happy conversation between siblings.

It's one of my regrets, not having a sibling. Not that it's really at all my regret to regret (...).

I really do envy those close relationships.

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Such a cloud, oh my God, there is such a cloud.

When I think of choosing Toronto, I feel my heart lightening and looking up.
And then I notice the tears starting to blur my vision.

My mind goes to McGill, what if I choose McGill.
And the tears stop, but once again my heart falls heavy.

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I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Read between the lines
What's ------ up when everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'til then I walk alone

---

whats another two weeks to me
whats another three?

whats another year like this

who are you to judge and tell me what is a "small" matter and what is not

---

There are so many things in life that I want.

I want to be pretty
I want to be skinny
I want to be smart
I want to be admired
I want to be recognized
I want to be likeable
I want to be loveable
I want to be wealthy
I want to be a good role model
I want to be good

I want to have many friends
I want to have a talent
I want to have many talents
I want to have good health

I want to live with love
I want to live with happiness
I want to live with God

And I do kinda want to change the world, too.

Want want want,
isn't that all I ever think about?

---

Once again, I feel

As we keep growing, as everyone around us grows older
We become more accomplished, I suppose.

Or, we see those around us becoming more and more accomplished - those special people, I once called them.

As more and more every day people I know make more and more of an impact in this world, leave a larger imprint on this world
I wonder

Where do I stand?

What place do I hold among everyone else?
Everyone else, growing and succeeding
but
Where am I? What am I to anybody?

And I feel a little sad.
I'm just sort of here. I've got nothing that really sets me apart.
What imprint do I leave behind?

As everyone grows bigger, I just feel myself growing smaller.

Where do I stand amongst everyone else around here?

Well,
I suppose I just sit, don't I?

---

Ho hum.

I guess I have trouble making decisions.
Or at least, when other people will be affected by them, anyway.
If I'm just deciding for myself, really, I'm fine haha.
I'm not exactly indecisive: I know what I want.


"Umm, I dunno, what do you want?"


I know what I want.

I'm what you'd call a people-pleaser.
In those long moments that I take in making my decision, whether it be deciding which restaurant to go to [ ;) ] and what to eat there, or which movie to watch, or what to do today..., all that's going through my head is Will others enjoy this?
So I refrain from suggesting or (God forbid:) choosing anything just in case anybody is too nice to say that they don't want that.

Whenever I am stuck giving a suggestion (funny choice of words here, huh) I'm always the first to shoot it down.

"Oh, but we don't have to if you guys don't like it; we could do something else, I don't mind."

Otherwise, I just try to think of what other people may like and then choose that.

I don't usually force my suggestions on other people. I don't usually say No to things I don't want when others suggest it.

I suppose I'd rather leave myself a little unsatisfied than leave others like that.
It's not really that I'm selfless either. This isn't really an "admirable" trait of mine.
In all honesty, I can see how it might be annoying.

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